How I Scared Myself Silly and Learned A Lesson

It was Saturday night and I went for one more walk in New York. I went to the bank ATM and then bought a salad. I was trying to figure out how to pack my stuff preparing to head back home.

I went back to my room. I put everything on the bed and started packing. It didn't fit. I thought maybe if I went to the 24 Duane Reed store I could by a box or something. I walked out of the door and as soon as it closed I knew my wallet was on the other side.

Stupid, stupid I said to myself as I stood in the lobby waiting for the hotel clerk. All I had was my BlogHer badge. The clerk explained that she needed a photo id card.

The clerk called security and a gentleman walked me back to my room; opened the door and I head for the center of the bed where I thought I left my wallet.

It wasn't there. I'm feeling all over the bed and in my suitcase. Not there.

We go back downstairs to the security office. My mind is trying to think but the fear is blocking the connections. How am I going to get home? Where is my wallet? My god, the ATM card is in my wallet too.

The main security dude ask me questions. Exactly where did I go when I left the hotel? What did I do next? How did I get back into the room? In the meantime it was suggested that I cancel my credit card.

Did you put it in the room safe? No. (I didn't because I have a fear of forgetting the combination. Stupid, stupid and in hindsight, dumb.)

In my head I was bouncing in terror. How was I going to pay the hotel bill? Get to JFK? Get out of LAX? How do I prove I am who I say I am?

Dragnet time. I understood, he didn't know me from nothing. The security dude kept asking the same questions and slowly the logic portion of my brain came back over the fear.  I had to prove what I was saying was the truth. 

I had to have the card to get back into the room. I knew my wallet was in the room but I couldn't put together what happened. No one was around me to be able to take my wallet. How did I get into the room if I didn't have it?

I asked that I return to the room one more time with the security guard. If it wasn't there then I would cancel the card.

In the elevator, I heard TexasBeth say that it was a great fashion show. I told her what happened. I remember her telling me her room number if I needed help. I really appreciated that but I was in find it mode. I was in a bad fix and my mind was trying to remember.

The door opened and I hit that bed like my life depended on it. I touched everything. I found my wallet in one of the handbags. I had forgotten that I switched the handbag when I went out.

I truly didn't remember. (Insert maximum amount of cussing myself, I ripped myself a new seam of pain.) Really a bad time to have a midlife moment of mental blankness.

I started crying like a fountain in relief. I apologized to the guard multiple times. He backed out of the room. The main security guy radioed back for him to to check my photo ID.

No problem, I wanted to show him and anybody at that hotel I was who I said I was. It was like being on the other side of CSI. I could prove I wasn't the bad person.

After he left I started crying again. I was so angry with myself. I wasn't leaving that room again until I checked out of the hotel.

Let me stress that the Hilton hotel security was professional, kind and they had to balance trying to help versus allowing some woman enter a hotel room she can't prove she belonged in or trying to skip out on the bill.

Lessons Learned

That radical acceptance thing has to kick in. This is the situation you are in, deal with it and figure it out later. I had to lean on what I knew was right for me versus what the security guy was telling me to do which was to cancel my card.

In this case I lucked out. But what if it had been stolen? I needed to be ready to find a way to make it right. To tell the truth, I didn't have a clue where to begin.

If you can't afford to lose it keep it home. I didn't need to have both my credit card and ATM card. I could have pulled cash before the trip and use the card for day to day expenses.

Use the hotel safe. They probably have a master key to open it if you forget the combination.

Have a back-up person at home that you can contact if you need some help.

I'm grateful how it work out.  I'll travel with more awareness and self-protection next time. Also will invest in brain boosters. 

PS - I did manage to pack everything in the suitcase and two handbags. I got double screened at TSA but I made it home to tell the tale.

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Programming School Dropout and Redemption

I've been avoiding telling folks this but it is time to come clean and start again. I am the beauty school dropout in Grease.



I hate quitting anything. Really, I can be guilty of hanging on for dear life until I get it done. Well, life snuck up on me and went booger-booger.

Strike 1. I was doing okay. I wrote my first program and thought my homework was done. What I failed to realize was there were a whole bunch of lessons underneath the first one. I catch that mistake two days before the first quiz and try to cram it down.

You can't do that with an intro Python programing class. I tried but it was painful.

Strike 2. My day job at the Salt Mine got crazy. I can't go into details but let me just say the widgets were asking questions of the whatsits and the whatsits were waiting on the doohickies and in the meantime salt is flowing all over the conveyer belt.

It was lunar baby, stuff was flying everywhere and all I had was a spoon.

Strike 3. I came home and tried again. I'm in Lesson two. I'm still learning vocabulary and programing at the same time. The dude shifted from vocabulary to concept and then from concept to implementation.

I was still on understanding the concepts when bango zoom he was talking about the rafinstinbonk.

It was over. I cured up in my bed, I knew I didn't have a flipping chance.

A Possibility for Redemption

A new session of the class is starting up on April 16th. I'm stubborn. I do not like not learning what I set out to learn. You don't get to be this old without picking up some life skills.

Boomer power baby!

I am gathering supportive tutorial materials:

Videos

Khan Academy has some programming videos:



I can watch or listen to these on my phone via YouTube.

Tutorials

One size does not fit all and I'm looking for re-enforcements.

• At Python.org there is a Beginner's Guide page for non-programmers to access tutorials and resources.
• There is another interactive tutorial at Learn Python.org.
• Python Turtle is for kids and those willing to think like one. There is no shame in my game. You download the software and the follow the instructions to learn concepts in order to move the turtle.
• Yes, there is a podcast for just about everything, this one is for young programmers so if I add the numbers my age I could be youngish.

What About Life?

I know. I could be setting myself up for a fall again. Salt is still shooting across the room but the flow is now in check for the time being. If I can get a better bead on the topic before the new session starts I'll sign up again.

If not, slow and steady will have to be my workflow. Monty would have wanted it that way.

(The programming language was named after Monty Python, which is nice to know but I still feel like a git.)

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Lessons Part 2 - Learning That We Mirror Each Other

People are nosy. I am a people, therefore, I am nosy.

I try to control it but there are times when you just have to pay attention to other people’s business. I did not want to but I really had no choice.

Every once in a while I’ll buy a burrito from Chipotle.  I was standing in line and the person ordering before me put in her order for three burritos.

Like a drill sergeant she commanded what she wanted. Sarg wanted everything. She wanted extra of everything. Except for what she did not want.

I could see trouble coming.

When it came time to fold the burrito the laws of mass and space kicked in. The tortilla ripped a gash. Food started oozing like a scene from The Blob.

The server tried to move the heaping mass to another tortilla. Sarg became irate:

“That looks like garbage. Something you would feed a pig. I’m not a pig. Start over!”

I'm looking at Sarg.

No comment.

The food was thrown away. The server started again. Sarg told the server what she wanted extra again except for what she did not want.

I don’t know how it was possible but this time the burrito was constructed. Then the whole thing had to be done for the other two burritos she ordered.

My Turn

I was hungry. Yet a sense of culinary moderation flowed from within. I modified my order:

• Carne Asada
• No Beans
• Rice
• Corn
• Pepper/Onions
• Avocado

I bring it home and eat it. All of it. I am stuffed for the next four hours.

A few days later I watch the documentary Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead about this guy’s having a fruit and vegetable juicing fast as he interviews people across the country.



I don’t make it half way though the movie without swearing I’m gonna get a juicer.

I’ve checked out the high toned ones. They are very expensive. It will be awhile. In the meantime, I’m drinking water instead of soda and eating more veggies. Truth is, I am surrounded by temptation. And boredom. And other stuff too.  I’m stripping it away step by step.

My body agrees with making some kind of change. Sarg is still on my mind. I can’t seem to let that movie go until I do something. This is the back side of being nosy.
 
So, yeah. There are times when being silently, acutely observant of other people’s behavior is kinda sorta ok.

But not really.

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The Other Side of Being Among the 99%

It is about the flow of money. Much of that employment flow has been diverted to other states and countries.

If you, you being a wealthy, rich or doing all right person don't understand what people are talking about perhaps you have a better relationship with things.



So here are some things. These are called empty stores. Stores that had an owner and employees. They don't have them any more. When folks are unemployed their discretionary shopping money vaporises. That means they can't go shopping.

No shoppers means no customers. No customers means no business.No business tax. No business to business purchases. Nothing.

You may have all the shopping options you can handle. When a community has lost too many vendors or merchants in an area you have a dying city.Or a bunch of blocks with nothing but empty window.

I have nothing more to add.

It is just a visual observation. Also my Day 12 VloMo video.

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The Body is Weak or Very Sleepy

I have been up since 3 a.m. I don't know why. I have been ripping and roaring around downtown Los Angeles for BlogWorld 2011. I have posted videos of the participants of Vlomo2011 and like a fool I thought that I would squeeze one more hour and put mine up.

Ain't gonna happen. Lady MacBeth is going to bed.

Dig you cats later.

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Healing Spaces With Junk Mail

Many folks I know are practicing a media blackout until September 12, 2011. To the extent possible, I do not watch mainstream television and have just about given up on most broadcast news so most of the time I am out of the flow. I will be even more so on Sunday the 11th. I'm reading the book Water for Elephants instead.

I'm going through my junk mail. The PennySaver wants me to know that I can get a lap band if I want to invoke insurance verification.

I don't have PPO insurance. Don't want a lap band either.

Well, I would think about it if involved four men cradling me in their laps as they sung me to sleep. One guy to massage my feet. One man to rub my lower back, one fella for the shoulders and one songbird to sing in my ear.

That is a pleasing visualization. Let see what else I can salvage.

A satellite company want to give me the world and 225 channels for $34.99 including football. 

I can't read the block of fine print on the other side. I believe that is intentional on the vendor's part.  I can just about make out something like $135 if I don't do something in time or $20 per the remainder of the two year contract.

I'd feel bummed out but I don't watch free TV so why would I pay to watch infomercials and football?

Next ad is another lap band circular, this time telling me that freedom is losing the weight. No, freedom is a state of mind and my mind has the foot guy rubbing a bit on my ankles.

EZ Lube - yes I'm going there. No such thing. It is either goopy or runny and you can't just stick any old substance up the ying yang. You have to read the label to make sure it is compatible with your body.

I'm sad that I gotta think about such things but I have to be prepared for the future. What? I don't have a car. What else could I associate it with?

An insurance company wants to offer me affordable coverage. There is a huge honking apple on the paper. This remind me to tell you the fruit eating thing is working out. Mangos and strawberries work well but cherries are labor intensive.

The rest of the junk mail seems to be more of the same..
I place the papers into the recycle bin of life.

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I'm Still Here Thinking That You're Not Gone

Yep. I didn't make the cut. Apparently nobody else did either so I'm kinda sad about that. Really.

There was a whole bunch of people I had hoped that would be removed from the planet in a holding place until it could be explained to them that the concept of Agape or universal love was the goal and not the ranking of "I'm more holy than you."

Come to think of it, if members of that noxious Westboro Baptist Church gets to go to heaven then I don't think I want to go.

Speaking of not going, this is a video I recorded with Rick Hodge who has a book called 2011 Our Destiny Has Arrived.



Folks, no worries until December 12, 2012. That is 12/12/12 aka the Age of the Fifth Sun.

Part 2

I heard a son call his father to check in on him.

"You still here Pop?, yeah, me too."

I think the rest of us want to say that you can't escape life through false prophets who profit on fear. Spirit doesn't operate that way.

Even if you are an Atheist one thing is clear, either you live your life or your don't. It is a choice and praying for your spiritual removal en mass I think violates that freedom of spiritual choice thing.

In other words, I don't think you can make Spirit/God/Jesus do anything. And if we could why would we so willing to commission other people's souls to damnation? Why would you follow a being that tells you to do that?

Last word on the (non) rapture. A special shout out has got to the RaptureHelpDesk. Best dang use of Twitter for humor that I have ever seen. I look forward to October 21, 2011 cuz it is going to be hard to top these tweets. Cracked me up.

Part 3

Yesterday I paid $4.50 for maybe a scoop and a half of Gelato. It was Stratachoco... something but it was good. Dark chocolate laced into vanilla ice cream. This is counter to my normally frugal ways but I had seen the store for years and never went inside.

I liked it.

I am going to try to make it another eight years before I go back to that place. I will not pay $5 for a gallon of ice cream but I have to admit this stuff was tasty.

I should get around to making my bucket list so I can put luxury ice cream on it and then cross it off.

Well, this is just to check in. I'm trying to write another post, edit video, do laundry and possibly dye my hair. I guess this is justifiable procrastination. So much to do and see.

Not enough time.

Never enough time.

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Is College Worth It? The Story Part One

I get inspired to dive into a topic by other people. I messing around a few education blogs and I gotta tell you, a few of academicians where having fits about this young man's rant/declaration.

His name is Dan Brown and in February of 2010 he let it rip:



I actually said these words to one of my college professors many years ago. I have mixed feelings about it now. I can see both sides. I lived both sides.

My mother wanted me to get a job. I am fairly certain of this because when she got pissed off at me or my siblings she reminded us that when we were old enough we were to get a job and then get the hell out.

Other relatives also reinforced the message that I should work hard, graduate and then get a job to help out my mother. It was what they believed to be true. I knew that my mother felt that 12 years of schooling was more than enough. It would have been tolerable if I had decided to go to a trade school; which in those days it would have required attendance at night school to learn how to be a secretary.

I wanted to go to college. I wanted an education.

Maybe my mother felt that it was a waste of time. Perhaps she was protecting me in not allowing me to dream past the practical. Perhaps my mother was protecting me from what she believed to be institutional blocks of class and race.

I don’t know. We never talked about it. My mother did not stop me from attending college. She also did not support or encourage my efforts. I was on my own in figuring out how to get into college and how to finance my education.

You see, I was paying attention to what my mother and relatives communicated. I saw how hard it was for her to raise a family on almost minimum wages. Being exhausted and underpaid does not inspire maternal June Clever warm and fuzzy behavior. It was hard. Some days it was too much to bear without anger or tears.

I worked part-time as a teen. I knew crappy jobs. I specialized in crappy jobs like the restaurant owner who did not believe in hot water. Part of my day was spent washing dishes in that joint. In winter.

I didn’t last long.

There were other jobs that cringe in memory. The people with “good jobs” who were miserable, cranky and about to go psycho at the least variation of their carefully constructed empire of cubicle power dictates.

Yet the mantra was graduate high school, get a good job.

I did not have illusions about going off to an educational Disneyland. I wanted to go someplace where people wanted to talk and think about the big questions.

I listened to the voice within. I went off to college. I struggled through disappointment. It seemed like a sped up version of high school. Teachers talking and I was stuck listening: some times to a fool. Occasionally there would be inspired exchanges but routinely I was bored.

It did not matter that I worked as I attended college. The rank troopers like Pepper and Skippy did teach me that there was an educational inequality in our respective public school education.

They taught me that the meritocracy they spoke of wrapped around their necks like a shield might have been their parents’ money and not necessarily any effort they specifically had put forth toward their education.

I did much better with the campus activities and groups. The school radio station, a community silk screen art center, or volunteering. My grade were ok. I just wasn’t good at being a student drone.

The days leading to my dropping out were filled with a counselor trying to tell me discretely tell me that not everybody is cut out for college, perhaps a trade school would be better. A instructor, who did not want female students in his class, did his best to purged out as many as he could.

I took longer than most of my class but I dropped out of formal education and created my own. I eventually found the right schools that actually meant what they said about education and dropped back into the fold, on my terms.

BlogHer Recycling and Other Resources

This post appeared in its entirety in a slightly different form on BlogHer as The Price May Not Be Right - Is College Worth It? I am a Contributing Editor at BlogHer.

Basically, I'm recycling some of my prior content and finding new stuff.

• Fellow CE Leslie Madson Brooks wrote an open letter to parents and future students that ask everyone involved to truly understand the reason for attending college.
• NPR’s radio program The Take A Way interviews Anya Kamenetz author of DIY U: Edupunks, Edupreneurs, and the Coming Transformation of Higher Education
• For a faith based perspective on the road to college there is Mommy Life’s post is college for everyone?
• Barbara at Roaming Writers asks Is College Necessary?
• Karen Burns at Working Girl write a post on Is College Worth It?

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This To Shall Pass on the Finally Friday Freakout

I can count the number of times I have recommended a marching band rendition of a song. This would be a first. But any music video that has a token homage to Swamp Thing is jake with me. And yeah, give the fellas .99 cents cuz this does have medicinal qualities.

I just got finished reading Taddy's post about someone who was mistaken in their belief they had no value. Then he linked to a damn fine post by Jennifer Michale Hecht about two other folks taking the deep six plunge and she is imploring people not to leave ahead of their time.

I want to put in my two cents but I can't sing. You wouldn't want me too either. I leave this to OK Go and the Notre Dame Marching Band.

OK Go - This Too Shall Pass from OK Go on Vimeo.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Poets, hell no - defy tradition.

Writers - are you kidding me? You don't even have to write; transcribing the idiocy and wackiness of these times will keep you in gravy for years to come. You do have to remember to come up for air. Exercise. Talking to real people who are not afraid of human to human speech is good. Veggies, eat more veggies.

Creators - see above.

Those that have people that love them beyond measure and/or those same people are under 21 years of age. Not an option for you and you know it.

And no, you can't take them with you.

People who think that there is no one that loves them or could love them. I would say that you haven't met the person yet. Hang on, hear me out. You might never meet that person until you love the one within yourself.

If you loved yourself, you wouldn't want you to come to any harm. See how this works? Yes, the pain can be great but love is greater than pain. If you can love enough until you find someone one that can help you deal with the pain that is all that anybody can ask of you.

Hang on until you find the help that you need.

Depression is a powerful hateful monster. You might not be able to do this yourself. Counseling, watching the entire series of Babylon5 or a road trip far, far away from home could give you the space to find and embrace your spirit.

Let me be blunt; this is not the time to go. The ding-a-lings and non-thinkers are gaining traction because those with half a lick of brain are getting disappointed and downhearted.

If you can read a book, paper or electronic, you can't go. Seriously. We need all the cognitively functioning people we can get.

This is the front seat of the roller coaster of life. Yell, laugh or move forward peeping out from time to time behind your hands. Hold on to the bar babe, this too shall pass.

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The Gift of Permission For the Imaginary Box

This is one of those moments that smacks you upside the head. I have had a mental loop of a scene in a movie that comes back to me from time to time. The movie is The Devil in Miss Jones. The link is to the specific scene in the movie and nothing more.


For those on work lock down it or otherwise video prohibited it is the scene where Miss Jones is about to be enroll in the School of Carnal Knowledge. Miss Jones meets "The Teacher."

The Teacher removes the inhibitions that probably caused Miss Jones to take the express train out of life in the first place. The scene has always been my favorite part.

Now I know some of you are not happy that she bowed down to a man and he was the one to remove her blockage. I get where you are coming from really. In 1973, and even much later when I saw the movie in college, the removal of inhibitions was hot stuff.

When you turned 18 and was free to do it but you were unclear as to what it was or how to get going. Truthfully, some of us needed help. So no, I can't do the revisionist history thing. This is how it was expressed at the time.

Did the scene cause me to go buck wild? No.

It does serve as a on-going mental talisman about constructing my own personal spheres of sexual permission. What do I like? What is the about and does it fit with where I am now? What are my boundaries? What is the limit?

The photo below is of modern day Georgina Spelvin. Many years later I find myself reading her web site. She is a real person who writes about how she really did not expect people to see the movie.

Older. A woman with perspective of the path that got her where she is today. Georgina tells a bit of the story in the (NSFW) video. You can click the photo for the video.

The older woman in the video is a hoot. I like her. Does it take away my appreciation for that scene? No. It is more like looking at a painting. That scene and what I bring to it is separate and apart from the artist who created it. One is imaginary. The other is flesh and blood.

So the first gift in the imaginary box for Valentine's Day is the gift of remembering to honor and validate internal and external (if you choose to) expressions of sexuality.

Those with faith based restrictions or who believe that it is only for procreation purposes shouldn't have been reading this deep in to the post in the first place.

For the rest of us, well maybe a reclamation project is in order. For some people try a new stroke or meet a new bloke. For other folks perhaps a time to pull back and review how thin you are spreading yourself around.

On this day, I place the gift of permission into the box.

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Conflict Resolution Skills For Adults Acting Badly

It has been a summer of adults getting themselves into trouble verbally or socially. And no, I’m not necessarily talking about Crowley, Gates or Obama. Here is the deal. I became angry with myself. In one social situation where you would think I’d blow a gasket I was calm and rational. In another situation two days later I acted in anger at the mention of two words.

Two freaking words that I have heard for years. Never had an effect on me before that moment. No, that is not true. The words irritated me but I rationalized it away. Then kaboom!  It concerned me a whole lot. There were people that I wanted to introduce myself to that I could no longer do so because I went off. 

Let me tell you something. As much as well all try to be on our best public behavior sometimes you muck it up. Ask those three guys, who hopefully will have more than a beer, about how ego, time, space and communication misunderstandings can trip you up.

A 2007 post from Margaret Mason at 43 Folders is referencing the book The Four Agreements, which I have not read, so I’m taking what she is presenting at face value.

Words have immeasurable power, so use them with care. Say only what you mean, and remember your opinion isn’t fact. Silence is better than saying something you’ll regret.

Well, I blew that one straight off but I’ll try to remember that for the next time I’m in churn mode. Knowing better can help but it isn’t an automatic balm to ensure human perfection. That is the thing, we are not always perfect but there are troops read to jump down your throat if you don’t act the way that they expect you to. You can’t. Not all of the time.

I really wish there was a public space that would allow people to see the spectrum of a person life instead of focusing on the surface. When I read comments about race, police, politics or validation of points of view is like swimming with piranha; ready to gum you to death at the first drop of blood. 

In case you didn’t know there are a bunch of immature people on the planet. Sometimes that maturity is fluid and mistakes happen. Sometimes folks are stuck on juvenile stupid for life. So what do we do? Instead of shaming someone back to the tenth generation? 

According to Dr. Margaret Paul, we are to keep our hearts open and make the choice of engagement or disengagement.

Carolyn at The Grown-Up Child.ca talks about how she learned to shun others as a technique of conflict resolution. There are times when I have acted in similar ways when I have felt there was no other alternative.

And it does seem to be such a powerful thing, doesn’t it?  Taking your knife edged sword and severing the threads of a relationship.  To me it brings images of someone standing on one side of a rope bridge cutting the bonds one by one while the other on the bridge is forced to run for the safety of land. The swordsman turning their back on the chasm between them and appearing not to care as the other person aches to connect.

I agree with her, it should be used as a last resort. There are some people that you really do have to cut all contact with but that should be at the end of all other options. The reality is that most of the time you will have to interact with the person or persons that is causing you grief.

Tammi Lenski at Conflict Zen writes about how to control and manage your personal hot buttons. There is a passage in her post that I keep working my way through my issues:

Your hot buttons trip you up in conflict because they cause you to misinterpret, close down, lash out or take a side trip down the blame road. They also trigger a set of emotional responses that can escalate the conflict. When you’re triggered, your brain may experience what’s called a “neural hijacking.” The brain perceives a threat, proclaims an emergency and moves into action. This hijacking occurs so quickly that the conscious, thinking portion of the brain does not yet fully comprehend what’s happening.

It was true, I heard those two trigger words and my anger jumped over my normal internal breaking system. There was a jailbreak dash for my mouth. Tammy explains skills that can be used to keep trouble from slipping out inappropriately.

I’m spending the rest of my free time hanging out at the University of Colorado at Boulder – Conflict Resolution Information Source There is a tremendous amount of information at this site. I could spend three week highlighting resources.  I’m printing out post by Heidi Burgess post on Active Listening, Anger Management and De-Escalation.

I also will read and review How to Resolve Conflict from Chris Witt. He list ten steps that can help resolve disputes with most people. There is also a list of resolution techniques at Pick The Brain.

I’ll also dig into my pile of self help books, videos and maybe buy myself a Zune or iPod. Ok, the Zune or iPod does not help with conflict resolution but it would make me feel better. Ok, not really but I would get to practice conflict resolution with my inner skinflint. It is all about listening, validation and searching for best solution or resolution of the problem.

Gena Haskett is a Contributing Editor at BlogHer where this post originally appeared.

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I’m Really Angry - What Do I Do?

There is cursing. There is cussing. For the purpose of this post it is important for you to know the difference. Now first let's remove the religious definition of cursing. I'm talking generic U.S. English so called "bad words." we aspire not to say in public but they have been seeping out. Yes, all seven of them.  I’m not talking about cursing, this is the superlative form, cussing.

Cussing is the weapon you really want to use to make the other person pay attention and feel hurt. The pain part is important. Cussing is a skill. You do not want to be near anyone who has that specific skill because that person is really angry and potentially heading into blind rage. We are talking 16 and 32 word combinations, comparisons to the size of your genitals and questions of how you have the limited sense enough to draw breath.

Yesterday, I was cussing.

I was angry about things both internal and external. Mainly external. I was once again disappointed by the base level stupidity of human beings. I sat in my home and let the invectives flow at full force. I was so mad I was cussing Joost out because I wanted to see Have Gun Will Travel and they wouldn't let me because I didn't want to turn off my Ad Blocker software.

I got one word for you Joost. Hulu!

Then finally, the anger was gone. I felt deflated and sad. I went to bed hugging my pillow saying to myself, “It is ok. next time I’ll do better.”

There Has To Be A Better Way...

Expressing anger is ok. I know that. Expressing it when no one is around is desirable. However I wasted a lot of time that could have been put to better use. Walking and doing physical activities can help. Yet I needed something for my mind and soul. I needed something to re-affirm that we all ain't heading for the cosmic crapper. 

Truth is, I need to know that the man on the bus wearing the Apocalypse sign with pride isn’t a prophet of things to come. That foolish men and women do not have total dominion over those of us who, despite our differences, want to do better than continually carp and cuss.  There are people who actively search for better ways of communicating, behaving and controlling the need to beat the sh….

Let me point out that I am no where near as enlightened as I had hope to be at this point in my life.

Sometimes you need a teacher, coach or guide to show you options and alternative behaviors you can emulate. Buddhist Nun Pema Chodron wrote in her book When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times:

“Well it starts with being willing to feel what we are going through. It starts with being willing to have a compassionate relationship with the parts of ourselves that we feel are not worthy of existing on the planet.”

Here is more from Pema Chodron on This Lousy World:

Using Pema Chodron as a focal point, let’s see how other bloggers interpret her teachings and concepts.

I need no convincing that staying in the moment, in the anger as you bring yourself to a centered place, is hard work. Pamela from the Fertility Advocate blog writes about staying in the pain, understanding that is something to want to run from but as she puts it:

What Pema is teaching, is that when things feel like they are falling apart - like a failed pregnancy attempt - instead of running from the pain - try to stay with it. Truly feel it.  Trying to look at the “bright side” may not be helpful.  If we can manage to stay with the pain - really touch the rawness of our feelings - great insights and learning can come from it.

I don’t think Stardust In Prison would mind me hanging out at Dhama Punx. The people in that community seem to be incorporating Buddhist principles into their American life. There are many good posts here but I needed the one on Stress. It is not that there is an “answer” but that people are taking the time to ask questions and try to work it out.

Ann at Divorce Unemployed and Living With Her Parents is not having a good time. She starts off her post about what she thinks Buddhism is:

The philosophy of Buddhism is premised on the idea that acceptance - or more accurately - embracing of - reality - what exists- rather than struggling with what is not reality - what doesn't exist - allows people to lead healthier and more fulfilling lives.

Ann goes into more details about loss, adjustments and her psychotic cat. DiamondLight at Love Burning Deep talks about being open, making time for her practice it seems releasing the pressure before you blow. Jennifer at I Wish I Had More Time to Read share a breathing technique she uses to help her cope.

I began the technique of breathing in the very thing I was afraid of—impoverishment—and, via exhaling, releasing the notion that, “I have exactly what I need for now.”

Dakota at Body Evolution is using Pema’s teachings to redefine her inner and outer self-image. In this passage she writes about how instead of running from the pain, she moved toward it:

Last year, for the first time, I broke a pattern I had fallen back on for so many years. I didn’t run away from my pain. I faced it head on, like Pema Chodron says in her book. I thought that if I face it head on the pain would heal quicker. The pain didn’t heal quicker, but I learned one very important thing about life. If you face your pain and fear head-on it loses its power over you.

It Is Getting Better

I am reminded to take deep breaths to cleans and clear myself. This I can do. I am reminded that I am not perfect and that there is no expectation or birth requirement for me to be perfect. I think that Pema is saying that once you get the relationship with yourself in place you will be able to connect better with others. And if there are as equally heart centered then there may be a way to build a lasting path or bridge of communication.

That one is gonna take me sitting in Dharma Special Ed class because some of those “others” are not nice people. They need a cast iron skillet upside the head.  I know. Back to the lecture. ;-)

We can’t live in this world totally alone. There are days when you need a guide who has been down the path before you. I hope I haven’t misinterpreted Ms. Chodron’s concepts but, as you can see, we all have a need to connect, deal with our demons and come to a place of peace. If you have tips for those of us that flare up quick, drop them in the comments.

Additional Reading

• Shambhala Sun conversation with Pema and bell hooks the conversation talks about racism, sexism and dealing with aggression.
• In O Magazine interview - Pema and Oprah talk about spirituality and how Pema became a Buddhist Nun.

Gena Haskett is a Contributing Editor at BlogHer where this post originally appeared.

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