Flipping Out One Page At A Time

I have this magazine in my hand. It should be thrown out, it was printed March 2011. I keep meaning to re-purpose it, re-contextualize and interpret its missives according to my view of life.  Which is a pack rat's way of saying "I'm not sure I want this but there might be some good in it so I can't take the chance of letting it go."

I don't want to mention the name. I don't hate the magazine but I'm not for promoting it either. It is easy enough to figure out with article titles of "The Most Exciting Thing You Can Say to A Man!" "How to Perfect the Sexy Pout!!" "Lust Up Your Underwear!!!"

Once a year or two I buy this mag to find out how much of a sex pot I am not. I know for a fact I don't stand in doorways and peel open my blouse to show my breasts.

Wouldn't work anyway. I wear turtlenecks. And padded bras. Because apparently you can show breasts but you cannot show nipples. Nipples freak certain people out.

July 9, 2012 is supposed to be No Bra Day. I'm all for it if I'm home but I know most of us will contract unwanted and unasked for attention if we try let our girls roam free outside.

Y'all do what you want but I'm not going to be rocking left and right in a white t-shirt down Colorado Boulevard.

I don't have a white t-shirt.

Back to the magazine.

Page two. Don't have blonde hair. Don't need the miracle hair dye to enhance my blonde coloring.

Page three. Skinny jeans. Not skinny, lean or remotely within the realm of size 6.

Page four. More blonde hair dye with puffy lips. I have the puffy lips but they came with my body which is not size 6. Do I get credit for that?

Page five. Blonde girl in sexy black dress. I'm sensing a trend.

Page six and seven. Blonde girl has hands in her hair as a bunch of make-up is displayed on the next page. Four tubes of lipstick and three tubes of foundation for that oh so natural look.

Sigh. Skipping to page 11.

Brown hair girl giving a lip lock to abdominal six pack. What a relief.

What Have I Learned?

In the first 11 pages I have learned that blond women need a lot of make-up, hair dye, skinny jeans and black dresses.

And brown hair girls wear polka dot panties and suck face.

This is a lot to take in. I'm gonna have to meditate on this for a spell.

Okay, I'm done. 

I'm going out into the real world.